unwinding my veins

I guess i never realized how incredibly introspective i am. And how thankful that is a part of who I am. I love that about myself. Makes me feel stronger too. that I can get through anything life throws at me because i know how i work, and with that knowledge, knowing how to help myself.

so a little introspection today..... since i have nothing else to do but stare out the door at work.

I think what i'm ultimately searching for is for someone to love me. completely. no other agendas, to see me love me cherish me. I've never felt that from any guy before. Maybe even more than that I just want to love somebody! I have so much love to give! it's all bottled up inside of me and ready to pour out on to someone. Sometimes I think that might be my problem because I want to love someone so badly that i might just pour it out onto anyone, even guys i shouldn't be pouring my love onto. I think that's my problem; I'm putting my love in the wrong places, and I end up being the one that gets hurt... i just want to love someone.

I just have to believe that God has something incredible coming for me. If I'm going through so much hurt there must be the equal counterpart of so much joy just ahead. Feeling this way will only make me appreciate finding that joy so much richer. "Never fear shadows.... that always means there is a light shining somewhere." Jonathan Santos

I hope you've noted the title of this post. I wrote a note over a year ago with the title "unwinding my arteries" for the sake of just sounding cool. but this time i changed it to veins. veins take your de-oxygenated blood back to your heart. I've been giving away too much and not receiving anything in return. and what happens when your heart doesn't receive blood back? when your veins are cut off? or twisted? your heart has to work harder to get oxygenated blood out to your body. Eventually the amount of blood the veins can carry back from the body is less than the amount being pumped away from the heart. This causes swelling, pain, coldness. So I am unwinding my veins allowing blood to flow back to my heart. And though it is painful, i need my heart to start working properly again. "And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make."

i need to read more books, more life existential poetic books that make you question and perceive the world and life in a different way. Like Rilke for example. I may have read a page or two from "Letters to a Young Poet" for senior sem 2 years ago haha which maybe i should read all of it. But i fell in love with this one paragraph for many reasons; it could be the use of common words strung together to create such a beautiful understanding of love, or the actual topic he is talking about.

"But young people so often and so grievously in this: that they fling themselves at each other, when love takes possession of them, scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their untidiness, disorder, confusion... And then what? What is life to do to this heap of half-battered existence which they call their communion and which they would gladly call their happiness, if it were possible, and their future? Thus loses himself for the sake of the other and loses the other and many others that wanted still to come."

ugh So good right?

sometimes I wish I could write better. I think I would have loved to be a writer. I guess thats part of the reason why I blog.

thank you for listening.